Thankful

This is going to be a selfish post. Brayden's still sleeping and I have to be honest. The last 2 days have been the worst since we left ACA. Not in terms of Brayden's health. I guess in terms of me slowly coming out of shock or denial or whatever it may have been. The weight of all of this is slowly settling in on me and it's been almost more than I can bear. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Which is why I'm finding myself begging for him some reprieve. I told Bryan last week while Brayden was sleeping on the way home from Little Rock that I can feel myself aging. It's the most stressful situation and one that you feel completely helpless and I'm scared the other shoe will drop. I'm scared. I guess that's the bottom line. I guess after the first 2 comatose days in PICU, I began to get good news of the success of the chemo, and little by little, just tried to stay focused on the next few minutes, hours, and not look past that point. Now that we're home, I've received messages from other moms and finally decided to look at their Caring Bridge sites or blogs and had NO idea what we're up against. I had stopped myself from doing research earlier on because I didn't want to know. Now, I find myself grieving the loss of what was to be for Brayden in this next year, two years, maybe three. I'm praying it's shorter, but I'm realizing how much will change for him in these critical times of his life: while he's still a little boy finding his way and developing his own opinions and wanting to be sure he still has that strong foundation of who he is on his own. It's so hard to wrap my brain around what he can't have right now that I don't think he even realizes: Ally's birthday party, fall football, Church, family visits, friends and school, travel, a trip to the mall. So much seems out of reach and I don't think he realizes right now for how long it really will be...

I told my sisters this computer will soon be my nemesis. I can't do anymore research and, what's scary, is I barely did any last night. I can't hear of other kiddos and other stories of those who have Brayden's same diagnosis because I can't handle the thought that he might face the same struggles or obstacles or length of time for treatment, recovery, relapse. All those ugly words. So I'm being selfish and not doing anymore. I've armed myself with what I need to know, how to take care of Brayden now, and will have to stay focused on where we're at. I thought I could reach out to other families and mom's and look to those kiddos to offer support to Brayden but those thoughts scare me and I want to protect him from that right now. I know I can't forever, but I just can't see putting him through that. So sorry for being selfish today. I had to get some things out and maybe be real and show everyone, yes, we did well for a while, but it's really weighing on us right now. The magnitude of the battle ahead is setting in and it's so painful. Please pray for us, when you can, for comfort, peace, and remembrance to let God help us shoulder the burden of this. It's so easier said than done, again, I think especially for us mommas.

In this tough couple of days, I've found myself being thankful. Thankful for the strangest things I never could have imagined to be thankful for before. It's aggravating that I am thankful for those things in one aspect...and calming in another. Maybe that's what will help us keep going. It's what helped us in the early days. I wanted to share a few of them with you and I plan to re-read and remember we do have so much to be thankful for during these times.

Thankful for...catching this disease when they did. Thankful for an ER visit; a Dr. that didn't over-medicate and give him steroids 4 weeks before which could have been catastrophic to the chemo effectiveness. Thankful if Brayden was carrying these cells, they were caught early in his life; later is so much more difficult to cure. Thankful he's our only child. It's hard even to read that when we were so ready for another little one. But I know now it's helping me put my sole focus on him and his health, care and well-being. It's helping to keep our family unified in this fight. We don't have to worry about germs from a little one, or that little one feeling left out, or trying to protect them from the hurt of seeing their big brother go through this, or dividing our family in trying to take care of everyone. I'm thankful he didn't have to have any invasive surgery. He wasn't strong enough to make it early through that and I'm thankful there was no reason to and that his early healing kept him from that. I'm thankful for the Dr.'s and Nurses and staff at the ER, the Angel 1 crew, the PICU staff and Hem/Onc teams at Arkansas Children's Hospital. I'm thankful for the moments when those God Hugs come...they keep me going. I'm thankful we're home and only have to travel 250 miles to get to ACH. We could be spread further apart or be in another facility much further away from home. I'm thankful Hershey's with us and can stay. Thankful for the effectiveness of the treatment so far. Thankful for no fluid around his heart; healthy liver and kidneys; thankful for Stage 2 cells in his brain and spinal fluid and not Stage 3. Thankful for Rapid Early Response in his bone marrow to the treatment. Thankful for Brayden's positive spirit and his mature handling of this journey he's now been placed to walk. Thankful for all the family and friends and support we've received both in visits to ACH, letters, emails, phone calls, care packages, and most of all, prayers. Thankful for his school, their support, and the prayers and love of the entire ACA family. Thankful for our jobs and being able to keep our healthcare coverage, getting a paycheck, and being blessed with a home and cars, things that so many don't have. Thankful for my little family that provides Brayden with a mom and dad that love each other, have faith in God, and almost 13 years together to prepare us for this journey we will now walk together. Thankful for the most amazing son who loves big, cares so much for others, laughs and loves to have fun, enjoy life and finds joy in the smallest of moments...thankful for his hugs that give me that boost I need and thankful for his endurance to keep doing the things he doesn't like but that he knows will help him. I'm thankful for his prayers and his faith in God; for his acceptance of Jesus almost 2 years ago. I'm thankful for Brayden.