Gotta Keep...

I thought I would share this with you. I wrote this a few days ago when the view was very different from what it is today. It was a very difficult time that is still hard to read. It puts me right back into that fragile state of mind I was in that seems like it was weeks ago when it was really just Tuesday. I remember sitting by Brayden's side in the middle of the night just hours after his diagnosis and having so many thoughts swirling I couldn't think straight and was so overwhelmed. I remember thinking though I had to focus on the necessities and let the rest go. So writing this down helped me focus and gain perspective and think about Brayden and what he needed...

Gotta keep clean so Bray can smell my perfume. He loves when I hug him and he says, "mmm, you smell good, mommy."
Gotta keep nails long. No biting or picking them as I notoriously do when I'm nervous or stressed which in this situation I'll need to start up with disposable nails. Brayden loves my nails to gently scratch his back and shoulders and I can see it relax him so find time to keep at least strengthener on them.
Gotta keep loving on him and not worry about my germs more than how much he needs my affection.
Gotta keep healthy so I don't pass him anything but keep the kisses and hugs and rubs and hand-holding.
Gotta keep remembering I'm a wife too right now and be there for Bryan in the little ways as much as I can.
Gotta keep putting on lotion since I'm scrubbing my hands every minute. Keep them soft to rub his sore tummy when he needs me to help him fall asleep.
Gotta keep writing. I'm losing track of days, visitors, phone calls, emails, and don't want to forget.
Gotta keep writing to remember the things Brayden says that brighten my dark concerns and the things othes say that they find my sweet boy so remarkable.
Gotta keep walking and not freak out next time I see a boy walking that catches my eye and think it's Brayden only to remember it couldn't be my son up walking
around.
Gotta keep asking questions and find out more.
Gotta keep focusing on today and not worry about tomorrow and how we'll get thru all of this. One step at a time.
Gotta keep refusing to make lists and be my obsessive self and be okay not to fulfill every outside obligation or courtesy.
Gotta keep breathing. After reading about another PICU mom going through a terrible situation with her son, I couldn't imagine. I now know you gotta keep moving and even if it's as a zombie, move and force myself to eat and stay healthy.
Gotta keep of eye make-up and on with glasses. Tears are wreaking havoc on my contacts and eyes and makeme look like even more of a mess.
Gotta keep praying for my baby's health. Gotta keep hoping he'll improve. Gotta keep beleving his stats will come up. Gotta keep faith in his healing. Gotta keep on...