We'll never be the same

I don't know if I've said it here before. I'm so thankful to have Brayden as a son. I'm so proud of his strength, his endurance, his tenacity, his resilience. I'm proud of his sweet spirit, his kind heart, his sense of humor, his love of family and God. I'm proud of how he has gone toe to toe with this battle over Leukemia and hasn't backed down and is ready and willing to face whatever it takes without question. I'm so proud to be his mom! He amazes me and I pray I can say it enough to keep reminding him that he is strong and he is able to fight!

Today is a day that we approach with hesitation, amazement, and thankfulness. 6 months ago we felt as though our world was being ripped apart and in those seconds, we clung to God and held to His promises, we clung to each other as a family, and lived literally second to second in praying God would save our son. I was thankful for growing up in Church in those early hours and wishing I still knew more about how to pray. I've shared before here how none of that matters to God as long as you ask...as long as you cry out to Him. I'm thankful for that foundation in which to lean on and to trust. I remember as a mother having a pain I never dreamed possible in seeing my son in harm, in pain, and being powerless to protect him. In all of that though, we remember a lot of good. We remember love, and emails, cards, phone calls, prayers and prayers upon prayers, family, hugs, support, words, knowing eyes, and little ways of helping that meant so much. A yard mowed, mail picked up, a sweet 4th member of our family (Hershey) being cared for, a bottle of water, a person to drive family to Little Rock, a Pastor to pray with us, staff encouraging us, the RIGHT Oncologist on call at the right time to have the wisdom to take Brayden's care in the direction to help him quickly. And the list goes on.

As I have began this post, my heart takes me back to where we were 6 months ago, hour by hour, and the emotions come in like a flood. I don't have many moments away from Brayden to be still in the moments with where we're at. In the few times I have the quiet, it's still there lurking at me. I don't know if or when it will ever be something we can think about or look back on and not become emotional. It's so much to comprehend and try to rationalize. It's irrational seeing your child battle cancer. Even yesterday in hearing someone say "since her son was diagnosed with Leukemia..." Those words sent a knife through my heart. I hadn't heard someone else say it. It's still unreal and had me jolted back into reality when thinking, "I wonder who they're talking about." I think we protect ourselves and don't say the words. I know I do. It makes it seem less real or impactful or dangerous or realistic. And yet, I am faced with it each day in looking into Brayden's blue eyes. It is real. I can't hide it from him or run from it. This is his and our new reality. Life truly will never be the same.

But we're thankful...we've gone back to this before and it's the things to be thankful for that have kept me moving forward and getting up another day and continue fighting with Brayden. We're thankful our lives have been changed in hopes that we can each be better through it...not because of it. While driving yesterday for a meeting with Brayden's teacher and seeing traffic, people rushing home after work, I found myself gasping at how beautiful the trees are...I've always loved the drive to and from our house. It's like the trees bend over the road and hug you. And with the sun shining so brightly through, it's like a postcard! Did I miss this before or take it for granted? This is our 4th fall here. I've driven this road before. Was it always this jaw dropping? I pray we never take it for granted again. I pray we never take this beautiful life for granted again.

We wanted to share some things with all of you. I know all the names and treatment protocols, and blocks of treatment all run together unless you're living and breathing it every day. I think it's incredible to see how far Brayden has come. We're so thankful for all the people that are working hard to help him...at ACH and Highland's